White House Reporters Say “Two Very Big Words” Aren’t Big Enough

Reporters Pool Funds for Thesaurus

(Washington, D.C., March 21, 2020)- Eight days after President Donald Trump used ‘two very big words’ to describe the current COVID-19 outbreak, reporters have decided that the two words, ‘National Emergency’, aren’t big enough to describe the country’s current outlook.

Speaking on condition of anonymity, several reporters agreed that there are terms more appropriate and accurate than what the President used.

“I would call this more of an ‘effluent exigency’ or ‘feculence meltdown,’ said Kristen Welker, NBC News White House correspondent, one of the few willing to speak on the record. “Or maybe even ‘effluvium vicissitude,’ Welker continued. “But I know the President would have had a hard time pronouncing these so it’s obvious why he didn’t use them.”

Reporters have been searching for language that can convey the country’s current situation while taking into account that the President has a hard time comprehending multiple syllable words and doesn’t read. They’ve been quietly pooling their limited resources in order to buy the President a thesaurus.

Peter Alexander, another NBC News White House correspondent, who was recently publicly admonished during a press conference for asking the President what he would say to people looking for hope and reassurance, had this to say: “We could call it a ‘deuce pinch’ but that doesn’t convey the depth of this pandemic. Let’s just call it a ‘shit storm’. Those are two very big words that everyone, including this President, can understand.”