We’re Going To Practice These End Zone Dances Until We Get Them Right!
You’re going to look like a goddamned Erté painting on astroturf!
(Whistle blows)
Okay, let’s bring it in! Hustle up!
Gentlemen, tomorrow is the Super Bowl, the most watched sporting event in the United States! Seventy thousand people will be in So-Fi stadium. Over 96.4 million people will be watching from home on TV! And our end zone dances suck!
I don’t have to tell you that the Cincinnati Bengals have a long tradition of end zone dances. Chad “Ochochino” Johnson with his ‘Riverdance’; Ickey Woods with the ‘Ickey Shuffle.’ Now they’ve got Mixon and the rest of the offensive line with the ‘Temptations 2-step’!
People say ‘act like you’ve been in the end zone before.’ Of course we have! But spiking the ball? Really? My bowel has better movements than you guys! We’re better than this! We are in La La Land! Hollyweird! We’re not going to get out-danced by a bunch of pussies like the Bengals! They’re going to be putting on a recital out there and we need to flex on them!
Is the best we can do some TiKTok ‘Say So’ Doja Cat dance bullshit from a year ago? No. No, it is not! We have 40 seconds of end zone celebration time before they hit us with a 15-yard penalty. Plenty of time for some on-fleek dance work!
Offense, I’ll go over this one more time, slowly: It’s glissade, assemblé, entrechat quatre, entrechat quatre, glissade, jeté, temps levée, assemblé, front brisé, back brisé and trois pas de bourrée. Simple! How many times do we have to review film of the Bolshoi performing Swan Lake before you get it, Kupp? It’s the front brisé first! Try to visualize yourself in the 5th arrondissement in Paris. Light as a chouquette!
And Akers, what the fuck was that out on the field? Keep up man. You’re as slow as escargot out there! Now drop and give me twenty grand pliés.
You’re laughing, Odell? You look like chili on spaghetti! Cris Collinsworth used to say that he never feared getting hurt when he was playing. But he did fear getting embarrassed. If I were you, I’d try to elevate your play on that entrechat quatre. You’re barely getting your cleats off the turf.
Defense and Special Teams, it’s always a surprise when you intercept something, recover a fumble or sack the quarterback in the end zone. But it’s a fan favorite! You need to be prepared to look like you’re ballin’ out there! That’s why you’re doing Fosse!
You’re still not getting those hip rolls correct. It’s step—ROLLLLLL the hip. Step—ROLLLLL the hip. Step—ROLLLLL the hip. Our hands are in the air—you’re blocking a kick. Then your arms should flair out in a sunburst like you’re going for an interception—Za-ZAZZ! Jazz hands! You should look like a goddamn Erté painting on astroturf! Now, grab your shoulders, lean forward and extend your arms like you’re going to sack Burrow. Then two shoulder rolls, a hip thrust, grab your helmet, take it off and hold your arm with the helmet straight out to the right. Then put the helmet back on your head and do the ‘broken doll’ strut right into the NBC cameras. Simple! Classic Fosse!
It all comes down to who wants it more! Right now, it’s crunch time! We’re going to practice until we get it right! You’ll thank me when you’re trying to represent on Dancing With the Stars.
Okay, let’s go again. And five…six…seven…eight…