You May Think It’s Weird I’m Jamming A Tube Up My Ass But I’m Going To Live Forever!

Welcome to Life Everlasting Biohacks™ where we’re focused on the pursuit of eternal youth and immortality. During our tour today, you’ll see all the ways biohacking can change your life.

I know it’s early, but I find if I stare directly at the sun when it is at a 30 degree angle from the horizon the new light of day resets my circadian rhythm. Staring at the sun also damages my retina but that’s a small price to pay for immortality.

I see you’ve met Starshine, our concierge. She’s sitting on the full body vibration plate which increases blood flow, energizes muscles and improves sleep. She swears by it. Literally. All she says is “Oh, God! Oh God!” She also says she’s never slept better.

Can I offer you a brain-boosting smoothie or supplement? We have bee pollen, acidic bee secretions, pureed bees and raw honey. Bees are endangered, but so is the human life span! We also have caffeine pills; Only $150 a bottle and, unlike Starbucks, our beans have been nurtured in the waters of Lourdes.

Before I explain our special membership offer to you, I’m going to get into our cryotherapy tub for a few minutes. I know it looks like the old coffin freezer in your parents’ garage, but we got this from the butcher down the street. You’ll experience some shrinkage of your male appendages as well as an endorphin rush when you first feel that numbing cold. But you should be able to avoid any loss of appendages due to frostbite if you claw your way out in time.

For sure you’ll want our premium membership option that includes use of our Biocharger. It’s supposed to boost the body’s natural energies. The machine costs $15,000 so I need to make sure everyone is strapping on these electrodes. If you can’t afford that, we have our sub-premium plan that includes being tased for $19.95 per session.

You’re probably wondering what I’m doing with these little electronic massage balls strapped to my body. These balls gently massage my lymphatic areas to rid them of waste products and cellular debris. They also increase blood flow to my testicles to rid me of any remaining frostbite from the cryotherapy.

There’s my alarm telling me it’s time for the hyperbaric chamber! I’ll only be a few minutes in here, getting a little extra oxygen to heal the burn wounds from the taser, and then we’ll move to the mitochondria light wall panels. Those produce the energy that cells need to function. It’s sort of like being hit with the light energy from an exploding sun but it leaves you with a nice, crisp tan.

Have you tried the NAD I.V. drips? That’s nicotinamide adenine dinucleotides. The normal human body produces NAD for mental clarity. If you take enough NAD, it can lead to cellular transciptome and proteome changes, altering genome integrity. I don’t know what that means, but I can’t wait to pass it on to my children!

We biohackers like to think of ourselves as “evidence-based, not evidence-bound.” If we’re delusional enough to think something works for us, then the evidence of several hundred peer-reviewed medical studies saying it doesn’t work are just wrong!

Hey, are you hungry? Every two hours precisely, I puree all the necessary nutrition I need and ingest it through this feeding tube in my navel. It’s not ordering a steak from Nobu, but who has time to sit down and chew when we’re chasing immortality? Right now, I’m enjoying a Dungeness crab omelet with hollandaise sauce and hash browns!

Some people think biohacking is about jamming something up any available orifice, or implanting microchips and neurotransmitters to monitor and control our bodily functions. They’re right! Like this ozone canister. No, I’m not jamming the whole canister up my ass — just six inches of the rubber tubing connected to the canister, which should decrease the stress I feel from giving myself an ozone enema.

It must seem like I’m investing a lot of time and money. I am! Achieving immortality takes sacrifice and dedication. I may not have time now for friends or my wife and kids but, once I’m immortal, I’ll have all the time in the world!

Which reminds me, with new memberships we’re offering a free copy of Time Saving Hacks for Your Busy Life. You want our premium membership, right?