You Are Cordially Invited To Attend Your Yearly Gynecological Exam

Entertainment will be provided by your doctor performing his amazing impression of David Attenborough spelunking in your ‘lady cave.’

You are cordially invited to attend your annual gynecological exam next Tuesday at 10:00AM.

Embarrassment, awkwardness, and self-consciousness will be served.

Dress code is temporary/informal/random/intermittent/part-time/devil-may-care/breezy/laid-back/fleeting. You choose.

You may check your ‘emotional baggage’ at the door as we’re not responsible for that part of your anatomy. If you carry it with you, you will not be able to use it as an excuse for those extra 10 pounds you’ve put on since your last visit.

Guests also will be asked to make a donation of urine but we will accept that, after three kids, continence is an issue, so you may have dribbled your donation out already before getting to our lobby.

Please note that even though your appointment is for 10:00AM, we will leave you in the exam room, fully naked except for a tissue-thin gown, your feet turning blue, for at least a half hour while your swamp-ass disintegrates that exam table paper like toilet paper in a monsoon.

Entertainment will be provided by your doctor performing his amazing impression of David Attenborough spelunking in your ‘lady cave’ while you hold some pavanmuktasana yoga pose, hoping not to fart. This will be followed with an aria from Madama Butterfly performed by you when the doctor sticks his hand up your ‘vajayjay’ and palpates your ovaries.

The doctor will also be performing a series of magic tricks which will include making your prolapsed uterus disappear with a flash-frozen speculum while reciting a little ditty from Sir Isaac Newton on gravity and its effects on the female pelvic floor. He’ll also attempt to levitate you off the table when he scrapes the inside of your uterus with a small spatula. That trick usually brings the participants to their feet hooting and hollering.

We’d like to thank our sponsor, the Food and Drug Administration, for today’s appointment. Even though over 300 million women world-wide have safely taken birth control pills, it is their belief you’re not bright enough to manage your own health care and will take them like Tic-Tacs if allowed to purchase them over-the-counter.

As a lovely parting gift, you’ll receive a coveted birth control renewal prescription which we would not have refilled without you first attending this annual soirée and which, if the Supreme Court has their way, may be in very short supply soon.

And we’ll see you next year! Because like so many things about women’s reproductive health, you don’t have a choice!