Starbucks Introduces ‘New Normal’ Seasonal Brews for Apocalyptic Times

Tall, Skinny Blonde — Perfect for those who put on the COVID-19 pounds while in lockdown. A fresh cup of water with a twist of lemon. Cascade over ice or serve hot. A California classic.

Campus Dream — Coming Fall semester, steaming hot espresso with subtle notes of ennui, stale beer and dirty clothes. Balanced with whole cream and extra whipped foam to obscure the guilt that you’re wasting your parents’ tuition money taking online classes from their basement when you’re really just playing Fortnite.

Hallowrecked — Inspired by the only occasion when everyone will willingly wear masks outdoors, mocha, caramel, vanilla, peppermint, cinnamon dolce-flavored syrups balanced with candy corn and blended with a triple shot of espresso. Top with a dollop of Pepto-Bismol for a seriously smooth rise from the dead.

Gaffe Mocha — The latest gaffe by a presidential candidate lies in wait under layers of bitter and acidic rhetoric. Includes soft, fluffy campaign promises, sweet mocha and, oh yes, coffee. For a limited time, get our bottomless cup campaign special! Offer ends November 3 (maybe).

Iced Scream — Fresh, sweet sidewalk snow from the first blizzard of the season, keeping you locked down with a touch of salt and an aroma reminiscent of snowplow exhaust. Try it hot for that all-over warm feeling. Available only in the Midwest and East Coast. Comes with LED bulb for Seasonal Affective Disorder.

Turkey Shots — This is just light, roasted turkey layered with mashed potatoes, buttery croissants, green beans, cranberries and mince pie, but it’s served in our signature Starbucks takeaway cup for a taste of Grandma’s Thanksgiving dinner that you won’t get because Grandma and Grandpa are self-isolating.

Black Plague Friday — Chew on our bold and roasty espresso beans in a cup. Pure, unadulterated caffeine for those brave enough to wait twelve hours, maskless, with several hundred others, outside their local Walmart for the store to open for Black Friday bargains. Available from now until 3-14 days after being coughed on in the check-out lane.

Winter Blear — Our rich, full-bodied espresso harmonizes sweetly with a fifth of Peppermint Schnapps for a bold and oh-so-sweet way to get through the dark winter alone in lockdown. Doubles as a mouthwash, just in case anyone stops in to check on you.

Hanukappucino — Rich fried doughnuts and espresso shooters combine under a smooth and stretched layer of thick, apologetic foam. The crisp undercurrent of guilt will keep you awake for days. Nine, to be exact. Kids’ version comes with dreidel. Payable with chocolate gelt.

Santa’s Helper — Inspired by children’s toy assembly instructions that you will have to decipher with your spouse, who you’re divorcing when this pandemic is over. Steamed milk with a light layer of fluffy foam balanced with your choice of Valium, Xanax, or Zoloft for a not-so-strong, not-too-creamy, just right state of mind.

Matcha-Mucil — Our New Year’s Day special. Classic rich, full-bodied nihilism combined with our most fiber-forward matcha blend for a drink that says “maybe 2021 will be different.“