List of Things I, a Cisgender Teen Male, Would Watch in the 2020 Olympics to Keep Me From Begging My Parents to Let Me and My Best Friend, Aiden, Play Call of Duty, Instead

1. Fencing athletes wear Darth Vader masks and use light sabers.
2. All Judo, Karate and Taekwondo competitors fight at once. Last one standing in the cage wins.
3. Beer pong instead of table tennis.
4. Teams play soccer while javelin competitors throw javelins onto the field. Points deducted for hitting a player. Points added for puncturing the soccer ball.
5. All skateboarding competitors will be expected to fall and smash their balls (their real ones, Dude!) at least once into any apparatus on the course. Contestants will be graded on how quickly they get up and complete their run and how fast their nut-cracking goes viral.
6. All track Olympians start together followed by the release of feral dingoes five seconds later.
7. Same thing with swimming, except pool is stocked with piranha.
8. Beach volleyball women now will wear Victoria’s Secret thongs.
9. Men’s beach volleyball competitors will still wear shorts, but have cheerleaders. In thongs.
10. All athletes set Tinder® locators to the Olympic village.
11. Paintballers will work from duck blinds as rhythmic gymnasts try to make it across the mat with their ribbons and hoops before being peppered with paint. Extra points if paint is the color of gymnast’s country flag.
12. Instead of ‘shuttlecock,’ just say ‘cock’ when talking about badminton. My best friend, Aiden, will laugh.
13. Wait for the next typhoon to hit and then take all canoeists, rowers, sailors and surfers out one mile. First one back wins gold.
14. Gymnasts perform parkour on stacks of Olympic Village cardboard beds in the Shibuya District during rush hour.
15. Zombie wrestling. In thongs.