It’s Time for the Super Bowl!

But let’s give a cheer for those of us who make the snacks!

I look forward to the Super Bowl for only two reasons: the commercials and the food. Sure, there’s a half-time show that usually features someone half-dressed, having some sort of seizure on a make-shift stage, screaming into a microphone while fireworks are going off behind them. Oh, yeah, there’s a football game, too. But you can’t always count on the game being entertaining.

While we can always respect the players who have made it to the pinnacle of success and who will be battling it out in front of 70,000 stadium fans and another 96 million TV viewers, I’d like to show a little respect for those of us who are in charge of the game snacks and who have to battle in the grocery store the Saturday before the Super Bowl. I think the pre-game round-up would go something like this:

“Hi, this is Al Michaels alongside Cris Collinsworth here at the Snack Bowl where it all comes down to this one night. After 52 weeks, this is where it all counts. The team is pumped up, fired up and they came tonight to win.”

“Al, it’s been a tough year for the Franklin family. They’ve been on lockdown and trying to lose the ‘COVID 15’ so Mrs. Franklin is not familiar with all the new snack options out there.”

“Her wide receiver, Mr. Franklin, will be coming off the injured list for his first game since that barbecue turducken accident at Christmas. It’s doubtful whether he’ll remember the shopping list. The Franklins will also be playing short tonight because the rest of their team consists of grandchildren with limited attention spans who get stuck in the candy aisle.”

“And, Al, this won’t be an easy game. Even though the Franklins have the home store advantage, the stores have changed their starting formation so everything will be difficult to find and in limited supply. What else do you see, Al?”

“Cris, Mrs. Franklin will be coming off a full day with her grandchildren, so she’ll have to maintain focus. She’ll be playing injured tonight, as well.”

“Yes, she’s not going to have time for her 5:00 pm cocktail and that will kill her patience level.”

**There’d be a pre-game Great British Baking Show segment, a few commercials for wine and the latest clearance sale from Nordstrom and then we’d get the play-by-play:

“Ok, Al, Mr. and Mrs. Franklin have come out of the huddle and they’re going right to the screen option! Mrs. Franklin is heading towards the deli counter and Mr. Franklin is going right to the beer.”

“Oh, that’s going to cost them, Cris. Mrs. Franklin has to take a number. They must not have any pre-sliced turkey left. What should they go for here?”

“I’d go with an option play of Italian sausage and then…BOOM…right up the middle!”

“It looks like Mrs. Franklin is looking for her tight end….”

“I think she lost that shortly after she turned 40, Al.”

“She’s going for the quarterback sneak! She’s bypassing the deli and heading right up the middle towards chips! I haven’t seen a run like this since Mrs. Franklin’s midnight scramble for children’s Tylenol last time the grandkids stayed over!”

“Oh, another bad move! She’s sacked! All the brand-name potato chips are gone.”

“She may have to pass and go with tortilla chips, instead.”

“And that’s exactly what she’s doing! Here comes Mr. Franklin with the long ‘Hail Mary.’ It’s the last container of guacamole! Right into the basket! Right in the numbers!”

“That’s an important score for the Franklins. They got thrown for a loss in the deli section earlier and had to settle for a pre-made charcuterie tray. I hope they’ll go for some short yardage in the produce section.”

“Al, one of the grandchildren is down! Looks like a monstrous tantrum!”

“You know, Cris, we hate to see this kind of thing happen. It’s just so tough on an athlete to be doing so well and then get sidelined by an inconsolable toddler.”

“We’re nearing the end of the game, Al. What play would you call here?”

“I’m not sure they have a choice…”

“They’re headed for checkout lane 8!”

“Doesn’t look clear, Cris. There’s a man guarding a full shopping cart, blocking them; his wife must be running back for more beer. The Franklins aren’t going to make it. Wait! It’s a bootleg! The Franklins have faked and gone to check stand 5! It’s brilliant! They’re in the clear! They’ve won!”

**Of course, we’d spike the cheese ball in the parking lot and do the post-game return of the shopping cart as we load the groceries and grandkids. But I imagine the viewers would have already headed for the refrigerator.