I, Madame Franklin, All-Seeing, All-Knowing, Can Tell You Where the Mustard Is…
I don’t know when it happened, but sometime during my 32 years of marriage, I became clairvoyant. It certainly was a surprise to me, as clairvoyance doesn’t run in my family. My kids were the ones who noticed it first:
Me: “Get your shoes on.”
Kids: “We don’t know where they are.”
Me: “They’re on the floor in your bedroom….”
At first, they thought it was just a lucky guess, because the kids had looked ‘everywhere’ for their shoes. But I was able to do it over and over again. I could see things my family couldn’t see, even when the object they were seeking was right in front of them! They stared at me in awe. I possessed the wisdom of the ancients; Mothers and grandmothers before me. I had a wonderful gift that forever meant they would never have to look for anything the rest of their lives. All they had to do was ask and the mysteries of the universe would be revealed to them. Soon, my husband discovered my amazing talents:
Husband (standing in front of a closed refrigerator): “Do we have anything to eat?”
Me (not looking up from my computer in the next room): “The refrigerator holds the key to your hunger. You must open the door. You will find ingredients to make a sandwich. But you will have to make it. Allow the power to flow through you….”
It was so easy. It just came to me, summoned from the depths of my mind like odd Jeopardy answers in the ‘Potpourri’ category.
Husband: “Are my gray tennis shorts cleaned?”
Me (Hand to head; eyes closed): “I see a drawer, in the bedroom, with other shorts…”
Husband: Where are my sunglasses?
Me (Looking Heavenward): “Remain in the moment, for they are on your head.”
Husband (While standing in front of the open refrigerator door): “Do we have any mustard?”
Me (From a galaxy far, far away…): “It’s behind the mayonnaise.”
Husband: “I don’t see the mayonnaise…”
Me: “The spirits tell me it’s on the bottom shelf on the right door of the refrigerator next to the soy sauce.”
Apparently, my family thought my powers extended beyond finding missing objects:
Husband (watching a TV show): “Who is this guy?”
Me (watching the same TV show that has just introduced a new character to the plot): “All things will be revealed in time.”
I was like Oz, the Great and Powerful. Or Zoltar!
Husband: “Is this shirt okay?”
Me: “I sense the shirt is happy because it has been freshly laundered.”
Husband: “That’s not what I meant. Will it go with these pants?”
Me: “Ask your shirt if it wants to go out with those pants.”
Husband: “Have you seen my hearing aid?”
Me: “It’s on the coffee table next to the remote control.” (PAUSE) “You know, it works better when it’s actually in your ear….”
Husband: “What?”
Me: “It works better when it’s actually…”
Husband: “What?”
Me: “Oh, ha, ha!”
But I soon realized I had entered one or more of Dante’s Nine Circles of Hell. The questions were relentless and without bounds. They chased me from dawn to dusk and beyond, always in search of an answer.
“Should I take Vista del Mar or the 405?” “Is it time to turn the mattress?” “Are the beach towels in the linen closet?”
I think I’m going to hang up my Magic 8-ball and just say “I don’t know.” At least until the grandkids start thinking I have magical powers to which I’ll say: “You are cosmic flowers. Open yourselves up to the possibilities! I bet if you find your own shoes the universe will reward you with ice cream!”