Don’t Spend $425 On A “Farfalle Puffer” Jacket! Buy These Ten ‘Must Have’ Wardrobe Staples From My Closet, Instead!

Food-patterned clothes are the new florals! And they’re expensive! But I’m offering original, one-of-a-kind clothing items from my closet for cheap!

A little black and, now, tan dress. My wanker husband spilled his glass of Guinness on me before our date night out.

Cover that LBD with my toddler mac ‘n’ cheese blazer. This plain, black blazer is accented with bright dollops of flaming orange cheese sauce and elbow pasta. You wear-a the pasta thrown-a by my toddler. Mangia!

Hide all of that with my baby spit-up timeless trench coat. A staple of every new mother’s closet, this on-fleek raincoat features the acidic tones and Jackson Pollock-like renderings of my baby’s food, re-expressed on both shoulders.

Decided to stay home and climb into something a little more casual? Check out my shabby-chic, sleek, black cotton leggings, styled with a major dusting of flour from the canister my 6-year-old knocked off the counter while thinking she was reaching for a jar of animal cookies.

How about an animal print? Here’s a cozy, 100% cashmere sweater “deconstructed” by my, now, endangered-by-me cat who shredded it while trying to get at the leftover General Tso’s kung pao chicken I had reheated and spilled on it.

You can also purchase my relaxed, button-down white shirt, “relaxed” by a glass of cabernet sauvignon dribbled down the front as I lunged for the candle that toppled over and started a small fire when the cat parkoured from my cashmere-clothed “chestral” area to the coffee table.

And pairing well with the above-mentioned, relaxed button-down shirt, are classic jeans made extra grungy by the rest of the bottle of wine, spilled while trying to put out the fire caused by the candle. Vintage fashion throwback to the movie “Carrie” or a victim in a “Dateline” episode. You’ll literally “slay” in these. May be too scary for young children.

Charming AF knee-length skirt. Formerly a maxi-skirt until singed when used to put out fire from candle.

Wear everywhere and with everything sneakers, a casual-chic cornucopia of General Tso’s chicken, candle wax, wine, glass shards, singed cloth, singed cat, and flour.

And perfect for when you just want to hide from the world, my vintage “Everything But the Bagel” pajamas patterned with the everything I eat in bed. Including the bagel. Fuck it.