Dear Tenant: Your Lease at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue Is Terminated

Dear Tenant,

This is to notify you that your lease agreement at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue is terminated effective January 20, 2021. We have noted your request for a refund of your damage and security deposit.

Before we consider returning your deposit, we want to address some of the issues which we noticed during our recent inspection:

We fully understand your wife wanting a separate bedroom with a bank vault-style lock, video Ring® system, security lights, motion detectors and alarms on her bedroom door. In any event, the locks and security system will need to be removed and the two rooms restored to their original state, as we understand the incoming tenants actually like one another.

We have noticed that the restricted flow shower heads have been removed in the master bath. Regardless of the special needs of your hair, we will need reimbursement for the excess water usage.

Mirrors have exploded in the house like the coronavirus! Again, a reminder that this is an historical home, not a carnival fun house, no matter what Mitch McConnell does.

We try to accommodate the culinary requests of each president, but having a McDonald’s installed on the second floor was a bit much. Please reinstate the original kitchen. Or a Dairy Queen, for the new tenant, if that is easier.

We noticed some damage in the bowling alley, where you apparently used the heads of your fired cabinet members and advisors as bowling balls.

Had your lease been extended, we know you had requested a retractable press room floor. Given that the press room is directly above the indoor pool, this would have allowed direct access for the press from the briefing room into the pool. We had no idea that the pool was stocked with alligators from Florida already, however. Please re-home the alligators as soon as possible.

We have noted that nothing has been touched in the house library and gym. We will arrange for dusting and cobweb removal.

There is significant destruction to the outside of the property. Although we were happy to see the addition of a tennis pavilion, we were dismayed to see Eric and Don, Jr. sneaking over from the Children’s Garden and using it as a blind from which to shoot the iconic black squirrels. These squirrels are descended from a pair gifted to the American people from Canada in 1902. No matter what you think of Justin Trudeau, this is no way to show respect to our Northern neighbors.

It appears several parties were held in the gardens, severely damaging the surrounding foliage and trees which had been present on the property since 1962. Now, all that’s left is the stark whiteness of the colonnades which, we suppose, was intentional. There’s also a small drainage problem; a ‘swamp,’ if you will. As we recall, you had promised that you would be able to drain the swamp during your tenancy. Don’t worry about it. We’ve already started making progress on that.

Finally, there has been excessive damage to the house’s dignity; much more than would be expected over four years of normal wear-and-tear. We’re not sure this can be restored but have arranged for a restorer to come in on January 20th and make the attempt.

Since you did not purchase the additional refueling option upon arrival, please return Air Force One and Marine One with full gas tanks. You may leave the keys under the floor mats.

Please be sure to vacate the premises by 10:30 a.m. EST. The entire house and grounds are scheduled for a deep cleaning and pest extermination. After that, Pope Francis has agreed to perform an exorcism.

We will return your security deposit once the gold curtains and Resolute Desk from the Oval office are returned. No questions asked.