Daily Itinerary For Your Viking River Cruise On The Rivers Thames & Itchen, A.D. 843
SØNDAG- DEPART KINGDOM OF KENT
1500-1700—Screening for plague, head lice prior to embarking longboat Shield Maiden.
1730—DEPART KENT. Oars will be provided for your rowing shift.
1800-2000—Welcome Sacrifice! Join us as we string up one passenger for bleeding out as a gift to the God Odin for a safe and prosperous voyage. Bloody Mary cocktails and boar’s entrails will be served. Fiesta deck.
*Special Welcome, Borg-Helvig Wedding Party and Guests!*
MONDAG- ARRIVE KINGDOM OF ESSEX
0700-0800—Stretch & Bend with Ivar the Boneless. Aloha Deck.
1200-1600—Sacking of Essex. Box lunch provided.
1800—DEPART ESSEX. Check your rowing schedule.
1930—Wee Odin Adventure Club, bedtime reading of Goodnight Gods and The Hungry, Hungry Viking by our storyteller, Skald. Library.
2000—“Family Feud!” Borg vs. Helvig. Infighting and bloodshed. Promenade Deck.
TIRSDAG- ARRIVE KINGDOM OF SUSSEX
1000-1200—Seminar: “Plundering the Markets.” Where to find fair trade, conflict-free English silver. Thor Lounge.
1100-1200— Readings with our Seer! Glorious death, weeping pustules or long life? Learn your fate! Lido Deck.
1200-1700—Sacking of Sussex, Borg-Helvig Bachelor Party.
1730—DEPART SUSSEX. Check your rowing schedule. Make sure you have all your limbs.
2000–Karaoke Night! First prize: Bedside seat at Borg-Helvig wedding night consummation. Thor Lounge.
ONSDAG- TRANSFER TO RIVER ITCHEN, VALHALLA
0730—Transfer of the fatally wounded or recently limbless to shore for ascension to Valhalla.
0800-1500—Tug of War Team Building! Our Seer doesn’t foresee a lock and canal system for several centuries so we’ll haul our longboat overland, on rolling logs, to the river Itchen. Meet on Lido Deck.
1500—Ale pong. Fiesta Deck
1630—Sword and Shield Olympics. Pool Deck. Bring your signed Accidental Death and Dismemberment Release.
TORSDAG- DAY ON THE RIVER
0900-2000–If it’s not your turn to row, relax for the day! Visit our God Freyja Spa! Seaweed wraps, wound-dressing and whale blubber facials are perfect ways to shake off that pillaging letdown. Today’s Special: Salt & Glow Full-Body Scrub—cleansing sea barnacles scrub away most layers of skin while you’re keel-hauled from stem to stern.
1400–“Flaying and Fileting,” with Chef Æthelfled. How to flay and filet anything from a wild boar to your vilest enemy. Sæhrimnir Dining Hall.
1700—Borg-Helvig Rehearsal Dinner serving Wild boar, vilest enemy. Sæhrimnir Dining Hall.
2000—Viking Players present “A Night of Music” featuring songs from A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To The Raid, Viking On The Roof, Hello Viking and Jesus Christ Superstar. Thor Lounge.
FREDAG- ARRIVE KINGDOM OF WESSEX
1000-1200—Borg-Helvig Wedding. Lido Deck. Please leave sacrificial animals in gated area, aft.
1200-1600—Wedding Reception, Wessex. Explore the town on foot, enjoy authentic English cuisine, disembowel the locals and pick up some last minute gifts as we sack and pillage Wessex. Passengers who mention Viking River Cruises when visiting the palace of the recently beheaded King will receive a 20% discount.
1700—DEPART WESSEX. Please check your rowing schedule. Make arrangements for a replacement if you are bleeding arterially.
2200—Consummation of Borg-Helvig wedding. No host honey mead bar. Aloha Deck.
LØRDAG- ARRIVE ISLE OF WIGHT/TRANSFERS TO SCANDINAVIA
1000—DISEMBARKATION by color-coded runes:
Red– Disembark directly to longboat to Scandinavia.
Arterial Red–Oxcart to village healer.
Gangrene–Transfer to longboat Valkyrie to be launched and then set aflame.
CONGRATULATIONS to Mr. & Mrs. Bjorn Helvig who will be continuing across the uncharted ocean on their honeymoon cruise in search of the New World. En route, they will be visiting our Kracken Training Center, admiring the view from the earth’s edge and sharing dysentery and starvation before arriving in the New World and suffering a horrible death from smallpox.
Don’t forget to tip your crew for keeping you alive!