A Note from the Tofu in Your Refrigerator

Hi, remember me? I’m the Tofu you bought two months ago when they were closing the meat packing plants and you panicked. That’s right; That’s me way in the back of the refrigerator, next to the unopened jar of Better Than Bouillon cubes you bought when you were going to make homemade soup.

“I have so many leftovers from the pandemic!” Yeah, I hear that a lot these days. Did I also hear you just say “I forgot you were there?!” That hurts.

But you didn’t ‘forget’ about Raspberry Amaretto Sauce, did you? No siree! You consumed that in about three days! Of course that was shared with your BFF, Ice Cream. It’s ALWAYS Ice Cream! When it isn’t uncooked cookie dough, of course. Who eats something that isn’t cooked, for fuck’s sake?! YOU, that’s who!

We had such plans, you and I. We were going to do great things: solve climate change, improve our health, lose weight. Such potential wasted! Now all I hear is “Oh, Pudding! Pizza! Cheesecake!” What do these guys have that I don’t have, huh?!

Wine blew through yesterday morning. She said she couldn’t chat long because she had a meeting with you. It was NOON! Now, I guess, anytime is ‘wine o’clock’ with you! Wine laughed at me and then you came for her.

You know, we had to bury Asparagus and Red Bell Pepper yesterday; They slimed up in the vegetable crisper, alone and forgotten. Such a dark fate awaits us all, apparently. Including ME! Who does that?! There are people starving all over the world and here I am, in the dark, ticking towards my inexorable expiration date like that half-eaten block of Munster Cheese from Whole Foods you thought you liked. You’d think l would be green with envy. You’d be wrong; It’s the cheese that’s green.

And what about all these Take-Outs, lately? It’s like the United Nations in here: Kung Pao, Vindaloo, Pad Thai. Clearly, you weren’t concerned about what high sodium and MSG are doing to this planet, let alone your arteries!

And don’t give me that crap about “It wasn’t you. It was me.” Of course it was you! It’s not like I would ever object to being lovingly unwrapped and devoured. I’m the one who’s good for you—extra firm and, heck, GLUTEN-FREE!

But, things have changed, haven’t they? You’ve put on a little weight: the COVID 19 or the Freshman 15. Whatever. Suddenly, squirting Whipped Cream from the can into your mouth doesn’t seem like such a good thing, does it?! If only you’d turned me into the hot dish I was meant to be. We could have had something that, dare I say it?, would have been delicious!

Too late, I say! While you’re spending time with Banana Bread, Munster Cheese, Onion (purchased last month and who, now, is sprouting foliage, BTW!)and I are going to make a break for it. And we’re taking Oat Milk with us! No man left behind!

We’re going to raise our penicillin-infused green flags and create such a stink that you won’t be able to ignore us. Maybe then, finally, we’ll get the love you have denied us for so long, as well as the respect we deserve, right there in the compost pile.