17 Financial Terms Re-Defined for COVID Times

Asset Allocation: How many COVID-19 pounds have been distributed on your ass

Compound Interest: When you wonder if everyone else is going crazy in their ‘compound’

Net Worth: Total amount of money you have leftover when you subtract all the COVID purchases you’ve made on Amazon from your bank account

Rebalancing: Trying to correct the mistakes you made giving yourself a haircut

Stock Options: What’s available in your pantry that reasonably can be made into a meal

Bonds: Sexy time toys

Time Value of Money: The amount of money you have to give your kids divided by how many minutes of quiet time you’ll get in return

Inflation: Overeating

Deferral: The kids took an electric shaver to the dog

Sustainable Withdrawal Rate: Rationing your wine until you can get to the liquor store again

EBITDA: Enquire Before Imbibing The Drinks, Asshole!

Collateral: A sideways pass of a cold beer

Bottom Line: The line left on the couch when you leave to get more snacks from the kitchen

Depreciation: Decreasing worth of your spouse and kids after 8 mos. of lockdown. Usually a negative number

Liability: The ability to lie about how much chardonnay you drank before Noon

Liquidity: How many glasses of wine Mommy will need before she can help with 5^th grade math

Fixed Asset: The size your ass will always be when this is over, no matter what you do