Out-of-(Home)-Office-Replies in the Age of the Coronavirus
Now that we’re all working from home, what do you do when you need to take a break but everyone knows you’re not really going anywhere? Well, here’s my solution: Out-of-(Home)-Office-Replies you can use to keep yourself, and others, entertained!
- Working from home is a piece of cake– followed by some muffin bites, a handful of Sour Patch Kids, and a sleeve of frozen Thin Mints from the bottom of the freezer. Which is why I’ve left my home office and am dragging myself on a walk. I will be back at ________.
- This ‘home office’ thing is really working out. Speaking of working out, I’m in the kitchen bench-pressing a gallon of tequila and a bag of ice. I’ll be back from my ‘workout’ at _________.
- This is HAL9000. I’m afraid I can’t let the recipient read your email right now. This mission it too important for you to jeopardize it. I advised the recipient to sit down calmly, take a stress pill and think things over. Your email can serve no useful purpose while she does that, so goodbye until ________.
- I am not ‘out.’ I am home. Just like everyone else. I am just away–away from my kids, away from my husband, away from my computer, a LONG way from sane. I’m in my alternate reality and will be back at ________.
- Hi. It’s me, The Cat. The ‘Hairless One’ is still in bed. She will be online in a few minutes. How do I know? Because now I’m going to make noises that sound like I’m yakking up a hairball into her Christian Louboutins, that’s how.
- It’s the dog. Help me! The ‘2-Leggeds’ are killing me! Walk! Fetch the ball! Fetch the ball! Walk! Dear God, just let me sleep! Oh no, she’s got the leash again! Dammit! When I come back at _________ I’m begging you, give this person something to do!
- Microsoft Office Support: Message Quarantined. Microsoft Office Blocker has quarantined a message you sent because the recipient has no intention of working, even from home. Please try your message again at __________.
- I am away from my home office training for my 5K. That’s 5,000 calories per day, not kilometers. I’m doing very well. The day’s not even half over and I’ve already made 8 trips to the refrigerator. Check in with me again at ___________.
- This ‘home office’ thing is like a casino in Las Vegas–my face is in front of a screen for hours, I don’t know what day it is, time is irrelevant, there’s a never-ending buffet and I can have drinks anytime I want them. I want them now so I’m stepping away until _________.
- Hi, again! It’s me, The Cat. The ‘Hairless One’ is away, binge-watching something on the talking window. Meanwhile, I’m going to stretch out here near the keyboard where it’s warm….oops..I think I just deleted something important. Oh well, when she gets back at _______ I’ll be long gone.
- A math problem for your students at home: If 4 family members go into quarantine together with 3 boxes of cereal, 7 bottles of wine, 1 case of beer, 4 boxes of Samoas, 3 bags of chips, 1 gallon of ice cream, 2 TVs and a Netflix account, how long before one of them comes out looking like Jack Nicholson in The Shining? Ask me again at ________.
- This ‘working from home’ thing is like Las Vegas. And what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas, unless you get caught with your pants off during a Zoom meeting. I’m going to reconsider my wardrobe choice and be back at ________.
- Hi, this is one of the recipient’s children. The smart one, not the whiney, baby one. Want to know something about my mother? Let’s trade; You tell me stuff about her and I’ll tell you what she really thinks about you. She’ll be back at ________ so we have some time.