2016 Christmas
Dear Family & Friends,
When Thomas Wolfe wrote “You can’t go home again” he clearly was not referring to the Franklin children. They not only came home again, but brought all manner of alien life forms home to roost with them. In 2016, the Franklin home was like the Starship Enterprise after an invasion of Tribbles.
Taylor, now 24, has rooted herself at 2001 Pine Avenue like a mushroom. Quite literally, the only time Joe and Nancy know she’s in residence is when they see the soft glow of her smart phone screen, illuminating a shadowy lump in bed sheets, ensconced within the mildew of wet towels, decaying fast food containers and discarded laundry. You enter at your own risk and only if you’ve had all your vaccinations.
Taylor is still gainfully employed at the LAX Marriott Courtyard and is closing in on completing her degree after what Joe and Nancy are calling her ‘gap decade.’ Why, just the other day she interrupted her parents’ nighttime Jeopardy competition to complain about having to take another American History class because not all her ASU credits had transferred to CSUDH.
“I don’t know what California Indonesian people have to do with American History,” Taylor huffed.
“Would you, perhaps, mean ‘indigenous’ people?” her father replied.
“I’ve never heard of those,” Taylor snorted, as Joe and Nancy made mental notes to consider a conservatorship for Taylor’s share of any family inheritance.
Joe, for his part, continues to do well in commercial and residential real estate. He’s decided he wants to ‘branch out’ (pun intended) and sell more residential property in the Manhattan Beach tree section. And, like all good realtors whose faces adorn bus benches and shopping carts, Joe wants a slogan.
“How ‘bout ‘Your Man in the Trees?’” Joe said. To which Nancy replied “Only if you want to sound like a peeping Tom or Tarzan!” Joe is still scribbling things on cocktail napkins but the next time you hear something buzzing in the air above you—Look! Up in the Trees! It’s a bird! It’s a howler monkey! It’s Joe Franklin, ‘Your Man in the Trees’!
Joe turned into a version of the ‘Bionic Man’ this year. First, he had cataract surgery which immediately gave him the clarity of vision to see the old woman he married. Then he had his eardrum rebuilt which removed his excuse for not hearingthe old woman he married.
Speaking of the old woman Joe married, Nancy is now older than some of the giant redwoods. And she’s adding more rings around her middle, too. She is still with Providence Health & Services but after multiple reorganizations, Nancy feels like the guy with the shovel who follows the horses, elephants and camels at the end of the parade.
In May of this year, Nancy’s 86-year old mother decided to set herself, her three daughters and their respective spouses adrift in a small vessel in the wilds of Alaska. And, since there wasn’t enough ice to set their MOTHER adrift on an ice flow, Nancy and her siblings had to content themselves with other forms of entertainment—like lowering their knickers and mooning the passengers on an errant, oversized cruise ship which had meandered into a place in the pristine Sound where it wasn’t supposed to be. Joe was heard to remark that the cruise ship passengers had probably not seen that much ‘cottage cheese’ since the midnight buffet!
But this year was made especially interesting by having Jimmy’s pregnant wife Christie and toddler daughter, Maci, live with Joe, Nancy and Taylor from May through November.
Jimmy, now 25, never having been asked to play a ‘Wise Man’ in any nativity play, exhibited wisdom beyond his years this year. Or perhaps it was just the male animal’s fight or flight adrenalin rush. With his wife three months pregnant and realizing that he was in for another six months of the hormonal version of ‘The Nutcracker Suite’, Jimmy dropped his pregnant wife and toddler at the Franklin manger and deployed to Okinawa. Again. On Mother’s Day. If you’re his wife, Christie, it was The. Worst. Mother’s. Day. Ever.
At first, Joe, Nancy and Taylor were like obsequious bellboys, pointing out the features of Jimmy’s old room—like the multiple hiding places for contraband or where not to deposit smelly socks and underwear. About five minutes later, it turned into a darker version of Family Feud, deciding things like who gets to park in the driveway, who gets the preferred seating on the couch, assigning laundry days and who gets first dibs on the salted caramel ice cream in the freezer.
Joe realized he bumped up against the “Axis of Evil” when it came time to decide the shower schedule. Joe got the 3am-4am shift in the shower Monday through Friday. On weekends, Joe was lucky if his daily shower consisted of a thorough grooming by Otis, the Franklin’s cat.
Let’s just say that living with your in-laws is quite the learning opportunity for both in-laws and new bride. For Christie, you learn why Jimmy breaks out in a cold sweat when you mention decorating the lawn for the holidays. Nancy, Joe and Taylor learn that ‘sleep’ and ‘toddler’ are mutually exclusive terms that are never used in the same sentence as long as the toddler in question, Maci, is in residence.
But the Franklins are happy to report that everyone survived the experience. And on Saturday, November 5, at 1:50pm, little Caroline Ann-Marie Franklin was born, healthy and complete. Dad Jimmy, still in Okinawa, was present via Skype for the birth and returned home one week later to be greeted at the Marine base in San Diego by his new, and old, family, which is the scene depicted on the front of the card.
And as this year comes to an exhausting close, and because the Franklins believe that everyone should have one holiday wish granted, they decided to allow Taylor to have “the worst picture of me, ever” replaced with one she DID approve of. Merry Christmas, Taylor. Hope you weren’t expecting cash!
Wishing you all health and happiness in 2017!
The Franklins—
Joe, Nancy, Taylor, Jimmy, Christie, Maci and Caroline