2015 Christmas

Dear Family & Friends,

Yes, it’s that time of year when the Franklins drop by your mailbox like Wise Guys with gifts of mold, Franklin-sense and mirth. As this is being sent to press, it is day 350 without an “incident” which, in the case of the Franklins, means almost a whole year without any of them doing something boneheaded. Of course, ‘boneheaded’ is a relative term; if you’re a Franklin, ‘boneheaded’ is a great idea that isn’t your fault if it goes horribly wrong.

And after the ‘bonehead-fest’ that was 2014, Nancy and Joe limped into 2015 just looking for a storm cellar in which to hunker down until the tornadoes passed. But there are 15 days left in the year so there’s still time for one of the Franklins to ring in the New Year like Steve Harvey at a Miss Universe pageant. 

Taylor, 23, is in her fifth year of working in the hotel industry. Nancy and Joe still get the occasional text saying “They busted a prostitute at our hotel!” to which her mom replies “Do we need to post bail for you?”

This year Taylor added a new verb to her vocabulary: ‘adulted’, defined as the act of being an adult or, as used in a sentence, “I adulted today.” ‘Adulting’ means you do things like change the oil in your car, replace the shampoo you borrowed from your mother or return-the-very-expensive-sunglasses-you-bought-but-which-you-know-will-never-see-a-single-ray-of-sun-as-they-are-hidden-under-the-mounds-of-clothes-on-your-floor-where-you’re-just-as-likely-to-step-on-them-as-wear-them. As for this new ‘adulted’ stuff, Nancy and Joe can only say #FINALLY!

 It looks like the pearly gates of Cal State Dominguez Hills have finally opened for Taylor. She will return to school for her final year of college in January. Nancy and Joe hope to be watching her do the walk this time next year in a cap and gown instead of the usual butt-baring skirt and stripper heels in which she normally walks.

Joe turned 60 this year. That’s his chronological age; on any given day he waffles between cranky geezer and 12-year old “pull my finger” mentality. For the celebration, Nancy, Jimmy and Taylor took him to Las Vegas for the Pac-12 basketball tournament. And like most parents who take their children to Vegas, what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. Or is vomited out the window or slept off on the car ride home.

Nancy is still battling her own version of ‘fifty shades of gray’ which requires her to be submissive to a hair colorist about every 7 weeks. In the Franklin house, heart palpitations, weak knees and heavy breathing mean it’s time to call the paramedics, not kinky sex. This year Nancy and Joe celebrated 25 years of marriage. Now that the kids are well past the age of majority, they are no longer bound by the ‘first-one-to-ask-for-a-divorce-has-to-take-the-kids’ rule and are now bound only by the desire to outlast the other in order to take advantage of the life insurance payout.

As a reward for still wanting to pinch each other’s butt occasionally, they decided to take a second honeymoon to Bali, Indonesia. Bali is beautiful and, like many of the places where the Franklins tempt fate, home for many things that can kill you. But of all the life forms in the world that have the capability of rendering one lifeless, Nancy never would have suspected hardwood floors. Until she slipped on one and tobogganed down an entire flight of stairs like a bad version of the Jamaican bobsled team.

This is an excellent way to take a bone density test without having to pay high health care costs. Nancy’s bones passed the test, although for the remainder of the trip she looked like a large barrel of grapes in hues of burgundy, claret, rose, chardonnay and champagne. Joe felt compelled to tell one and all that none of this was his fault. Although please refer to the end of paragraph six, above.

But this year belongs to Jimmy. Now 24 and 3-1/2 years into his sentence with the Marines, Jimmy continues to live his life like a pinball, pinging around and having his bell rung with every life-altering decision he makes. Sometime in July Jimmy, perhaps suffering from sunstroke, announced to his parents that he was getting married to Christie, his girlfriend of eight months. When hosing him down in the front yard failed to reduce his overheated libido, naturally Nancy and Joe looked around to see if someone was, perhaps, holding a shotgun to Jimmy’s head. Finding no one and really liking Christie they figured they might as well double-down and be ‘all in,’ so Nancy mobilized the troops and went into Momzilla mode.

Now, there are some things about wedding planning that Nancy would like you to know. You can go from the originally planned courthouse wedding with 20 people and lunch to 80 people at a sit down dinner in about 5 days. Skip the “cute food”; Marines are only concerned about quantity, not quality, and they can mobilize to clear a mountain of food at a buffet in 15 minutes. You may want to reconsider having an open bar. Marines take to an open bar like underage college freshmen at a frat party. And watching your son’s friends practice the sword arch is not so much like the chefs at Benihana swiftly slicing shrimp tableside as it is a potential reenactment of the Red Wedding from Game of Thrones. The audible swift intake of breath was Nancy praying that her son and future daughter-in-law would be able to navigate through this without adding new meaning to the term “bodice ripper.”

And so on August 15, as a bunch of Marines sweated in their wool dress blues, visions of the aforementioned open bar dancing in their heads, Jimmy married Christie Cummins and became a father to Christie’s adorable 14 month old daughter, Maci. And, yes, this makes Joe and Nancy “Grandpa” and “Grandma”. They triple-dog dare you to call them that.

Nancy would like you all to know that this year’s festive holiday lawn decorations represent one big BLOW-upJOB. The only thing with more hot air than the figures on the lawn is Joe, whose ego gets overinflated every time groups of children line up to admire it (the lawn decorations, not Joe’s ego!).

So as 2015 comes to a close, we give thanks for the new adventures life still holds for us and for family, good friends and neighbors like you who are on the adventures with us. May you all have health and prosperity in 2016!

Love, the Franklins

Joe, Nancy, Jimmy, Taylor, Christie and Maci