Grocery Shoppers’ ‘Super Bowl’
I really look forward to the Super Bowl each year. Not because it’s a time honored titanic struggle…a clash between two superior teams of finely honed athletes risking life and limb to achieve the zenith of athletic perfection. And not because my husband will lose consciousness early in the fourth quarter allowing me to do an end run to Nordstrom without him knowing.
No, I look forward to the Super Bowl for only one reason: to hear how the play-by-play and color commentators will describe this superlative event– the awe, the reverence, the comparison to mythological epic battles, the individual sacrifices and personal demons afflicting each and every player, adding to the drama of whether they will, in fact, be able to get up from that last tackle, go on to glory and win a ring the size of a golf ball.
All this for a group of guys who get together a couple of times a week for a few hours and throw around the bloated remains of a pig.
I’d like to see a little respect and enthusiasm for the group of us who go out once a week, every week, fifty-two weeks of the year to play a little game called grocery shopping. For us, the ‘super bowl’ of grocery shopping begins at 5pm, Thanksgiving Eve when everyone is scrambling to get what they need for their Thanksgiving feast.
“Hi, this is Al Michaels along with John Madden here at the Food Bowl where it all comes down to this one night. After fifty-two weeks, this is where it all counts. The Franklin team is pumped up, fired up and they came tonight to win.”
“Al, it’s been a tough year for the Franklin family. The team has been relying on Mrs. Franklin to quarterback and, with her pressing job schedule, she’s pretty tired. Her wide receiver, Mr. Franklin, will be coming off the injured list having just recovered from a bout of the sniffles. It’s his first game in over a month. It’s doubtful whether he’ll remember the shopping list. The rest of her team are rookie preschoolers with limited attention spans who get stuck in the candy aisle so the Franklins will be playing short tonight.”
“And John, this won’t be an easy game. Even though the Franklins have the home field advantage, the store has changed it’s starting formation so everything will be difficult to find and in limited supply. What else do you see, John?”
“Al, Mrs. Franklin will be coming off her nightly commute, so she’ll have to focus early, and she’ll be playing injured tonight, as well.”
“Yes, it’s her time of the month, so she’ll be playing with cramps which will kill her patience level.”
“Well, Al, she’s had this problem before.”‘
“She’s always played through it and I’m guessing she’ll do that here tonight!”
Of course, after the pre-game Oprah segment, a few commercials for diet soft drinks and post-holiday clearance sales, we would get the incredible play-by-play that will exhort us all to new levels of frenzy.
“OK, Al, Mr. and Mrs. Franklin have come out of the huddle, and they’re going right for the screen option! Mr. Franklin’s heading towards the bakery aisle for pumpkin pie and Mrs. Franklin’s going right to dairy.”
“Oh, that’s going to cost them! Mr. Franklin has to take a number! They may not have any pie left. What should they go for here, John?”
“I’d go with a green bean play, then, BOOM, right up the middle…”
“It looks like Mrs. Franklin’s looking for her tight end…”
“I think she lost that shortly after she turned forty, Al.”
“She’s going for the quarterback sneak! She’s bypassing dairy and heading right up the middle towards fresh turkeys! I haven’t seen a run like this since Mrs. Franklin’s midnight run for Children’s Tylenol last flu season.”
“Oh, another bad move! She’s sacked! All the 14 pound birds are at the bottom of the pile.”
“I think they have to go with a pass and get the ten-pounder, here, John.”
“And that’s exactly what they’re doing! Here comes Mr. Franklin with the long ‘Hail Mary’. It’s the last package of herb stuffing! Right into the basket! Right in the numbers!”
“That’s an important score for the Franklins. They got thrown for a loss on the pumpkin pie earlier and had to settle for the frozen apple. I hope they’ll go for some short yardage in the produce section.”
“John, Mrs. Franklin is down! Looks like a monstrous cramp!”
“You know, Al, we hate to see this kind of thing happen. It’s just so tough on an athlete to be doing so well, and then get sidelined by an injury.”
“We’re nearing the end of the game, John, what would you call?”
“I’m not sure they’ve got a choice…”
“They’re headed for checkout lane eight!”
“Doesn’t look clear, Al. There’s a man guarding a full shopping cart; his wife must be running back with more items. They’re not going to make it. It’s a bootleg! They just opened check stand five! The Franklins have faked and gone in! It’s brilliant! They’re in the clear! They’ve won!”
Of course there’d be the usual post-game wrap-up in the parking lot while loading the groceries into the car, but I imagine the viewers would have already headed for their refrigerators.