OF OFFICE REPLIES
Will Have Your Co-Workers Wishing You'd Leave More Often)
Want to let your co-workers
REALLY know what you're up to when you're 'out of the office'? Well, now you can! I've actually used some
of these and am STILL EMPLOYED! Or H.R. just hasn't seen them...yet. Go ahead, use one. I double-dog dare you. And watch
for my new book "Out of Office Replies That Will Have Your Co-Workers Wishing You Would Leave More Often" coming
soon to my Mirthendise section!
ATTENDING A MEETING
- I’m offsite attending
a meeting. Apparently this meeting is so secret that they didn’t want to hold it at the office where people might
overhear us or want to attend. This is how rumors get started. I’ll try to fan the flames when I return on
- I’m attending a meeting
and therefore not able to help you, one of the many people who, in reality, REALLY run this place. When I return on _______,
perhaps you’ll be kind enough to tell me what I missed.
- I’m in a meeting. And you’re not. Worry about it. That will give you something to do until
I return on________________.
- I’m out of
the office at a meeting of the bored. Seriously, if you knew what went on at these meetings you’d agree we need
better medications as part of our health plan. I expect I’ll need waking up at ___________________.
- Management has requested a meeting with those believed to be members of the
“living dead”. I’m in that meeting. But then you knew that. Once they’ve established a pulse,
I should be back in the office on _________________.
- I’m out of the office at a meeting deciding the fate of the free world. Or, at least,
the part that involves you. Plan on having additional work dumped on you when I get back on ______________.
TRAINING AND RETREATS
- I am out of the office
attending a training meeting. I expect we’ll have our decoder rings synchronized and be back in the office on _________________.
- I am out
of the office in a training meeting. Management tells me the programming should be quick once they plant the computer
chip in our brains. We’ll be back in our chairs on _________________.
- Out of office. STOP. Secret mission training. STOP. Bad food, early hour briefings, night
vision goggles. STOP. Should parachute back into office at 0900 hours on ___________. STOP.
- Retreat! Retreat! Retreat! That’s where I am until _____________. The
rest of you please fight on in my absence.
at the company’s annual retreat. If Patton had had as many retreats as this company, we’d all be eating
sauerkraut and sticky rice. I will be back on ____________.
- I managed to slip the
global positioning device off my ankle and now management has no idea where I am. Neither do I, but no phone or email
gadget will find me until my return on _____________.
- Some very nice men in white coats came and said they wanted to show me my new padded office. They tell
me that when I’m back from my “vacation”, on _______, I’ll feel much better and won’t have
that urge to gnaw off people’s limbs.
out of the office until ___________ having my medications adjusted. They tell me it will take that long to determine
the correct dose that will put me into a catatonic state like the rest of management.
- Did you hear voices? I sure did. That’s why I checked
myself into a “spa” until ________. I figure if I can just keep Raoul, the pool boy in the Speedo, bringing
me liquid medication I should be able to blot out those voices in no time.
- Did you hear voices? I sure did. Turns out it was just management telling me they wanted me
to take a little vacation until ________. They were starting to bug me anyway, what with them trying to cover up their
yellow eyes and alien sucker mouths……
- Sssh! Don’t tell anyone! I’m out of the office until ___________.
There’s a cardboard cutout of me sitting at my desk. Management hasn’t figured it out yet! Suckers!
- I’m out of the office. Or I’ve just stepped
away. Or I’m flat-out ignoring you. Face it, you just don’t know what’s going on with these electronic
devices! I could be anywhere. Think about it until ___________ when maybe I’ll start answering emails again. Or
- I’m having a crisis of faith. Personally, I don’t
believe management is God. If there isn’t a “screw-up” fairy then someone’s
messing with me! Satan does, too, work in accounts payable and I can’t understand why there are no snacks in the
conference room. Somebody needs to fix that before I return on __________.
- Hi! I’m the mail room guy. The person who normally sits at this desk is out until ___________.
They told me not to answer any questions, but how hard can this be? Gee, give a monkey a typewriter and eventually he’ll
type out one of our corporate press releases. So, how am I doing?
- I’m having a personal crisis. I
need shoes. I need couture. I need a new boyfriend. I think I have to go to Rome. I’d better start planning
‘cause I have to be back here by __________ and looking fly!
- I am out of the office poolside at some resort spa until __________. In the event you can’t live
without me, or you’d just like to vent about office idiocy call ___________. Troy, the pool boy, will lean
over the lounge chair and wake me from my drunken stupor.
- In the fight for truth, justice and the American Way, I am on jury duty ________________. I can’t
imagine whey they’d want anyone with tin foil on her head and a bad case of Tourette’s Syndrome (“Liar!”…”Guilty!”…”I
hear aliens!”). But that must be what they mean when they say ‘jury of your peers’.
- I am being asked to reacquaint myself with my family. Apparently, I forgot
where I live and they had to put my picture on a milk carton. They’ll let me come back when I can remember who
they are, which should be by _____________.
nothing like spending a week with my relatives answering questions like “When did you start looking so old?!”
To which I’ll reply “Since I started working at ________,” as I grit my teeth and take another big
gulp of the tall, cold drink I’ll have in my hand at all times. And to think I’m calling this vacation.
I’ll be back__________________.
- I am out
of the office visiting my alternate reality until ___________. There, I am Queen of the Universe, chocolate grows like
leaves on trees and everybody says I’m brilliant. Maybe I’ll just stay there forever.
- Hi! I’m not really out of the office. I’m actually curled into
a fetal position under my desk trying to find my ‘happy place’. I think if I can just stop the moaning,
I can answer your request on __________.
- Have you
seen me? I was last seen running screaming from the building carrying a steaming hot Starbuck’s coffee mocha and
an overstuffed briefcase. I took my car. I’ll be back in the office on ___________ or whenever I run out of
gas, whichever comes first.
- I am out of the
office practicing my ‘perp walk’ with the rest of Management. This includes basic mastery of such intricate
dance steps as the “Federal Fandango”, the “So Sue Me Shuffle”, the “Wobegone Waltz”
and the ever-popular “Too Bad Two-Step”. In today’s corporate climate, we can’t be too prepared
to make a good showing. I should be back on _____________.
- I am out of my mind until _________. Hopefully, none of my other personalities will mess with you while
my real personality is taking a small vacation.
I am out of the office making sales calls with
my Manager. You wouldn’t think I’d need a ‘handler’ but Management seems to frown on getting
the client drunk over lunch. This doesn’t seem to bother them when they’re included, however. We should
be back on __________.
- I am out making
sales calls with my Manager. This is much like a “Thelma and Louise” road trip. We’ll stop for gas,
rob a few clients and try to decide which parking attendant looks most like Brad Pitt. With luck, we won’t
drive off any cliffs and will be back in the office on _______________.
- I am out of the office making client calls with my Sales Manager. Apparently, Management had nothing
better to do. This blows any chance I had of making an appearance at the Nordstrom Half-Yearly Sale. Therefore, I will
not be wearing new shoes and a really cute skirt when I return to the office on ____________.
- There’s something ironic about celebrating the “worker”
by indulging in activities normally associated with the unemployed, like bumming at the beach, sleeping in and swilling
refreshing beverages. But I know an opportunity when I see one, so I’m outta here until ____________.
- I am out of the office for the Labor Day holiday. This
actually means that instead of laboring in the office, I’ll simply work from home. You, however, should have
a cold beer and email me on Tuesday when I’ll be back in the office.
- After a long, hot summer it’s finally the Back-to-School holiday! They don’t call
it Labor Day for nothing ‘cause I’ll be laboring to buy school clothes, cut the kids’ Rastafarian hair
and load up on school supplies. All for the right to celebrate the moment when someone else gets to be with them
eight hours a day. I’ll be back in the office on ________________.
Thanksgiving! And given some of the requests I’ve gotten from my children (Hot Pockets for dinner) and my husband
(control of the TV remote for the weekend), I can assure you that there will be more than one ‘turkey’
stuffed and trussed at my house over the holiday! I’ll be back in the office on_______________.
- Ah, Thanksgiving! The only thing bigger than my stomach is a Macy’s
parade balloon. I’ll be back in the office on _________________ when we’ve gotten all the gas out.
- It’s Thanksgiving and I can only imagine how the Pilgrims felt when their children
said “Eeeuuwww, I’m not eating THAT!” So, unless McDonald’s serves a McFeast I’ll probably
just crank the blender, make lots of spiked eggnog and medicate everyone for the entire weekend. I’ll be back on
- In the tradition of bloating
up and entertaining relatives from out-of-town, I will be enduring the Thanksgiving holiday. I will be back in the office
on __________ wearing the elastic waistband clothes.
- Hot buns,
succulent skin, whipped cream. And that just describes the Thanksgiving Day football game half-time entertainment. Or
the cheerleaders. You pick. However, I won’t care what my husband’s watching ‘cause I’ll
be in a triptophan-induced coma until _____________.
- I am out of the office for the Memorial Day Holiday. What better time to let my husband fire
up the barbeque and roast our children….er…HOT DOGS! I’ll be back in the office on _______________.
- I am out of the office until __________ for the Memorial
Day Holiday. Contrary to office gossip, this holiday is not about remembering those who got laid off in the last
round of restructuring. Unless, of course, they happen to be Veterans in which case they should be congratulated and
grilled to see how they managed to successfully get out of this organization.
- I am out of the office until __________ for the Memorial Day Holiday. There can be no comparison
between those who fought in the great wars and the “corporate wars” we fight around here. After all, in the
Armed Forces they have real leaders and use real bullets.
- I am out of the office until ___________ celebrating Memorial Day. While Management would like you to
believe that we are all “soldiers” in our own right, in the Armed Forces deserters are court-martialed or
shot. Here, they’re given a severance package and a going-away party.
- I am out until __________ celebrating Independence Day. I’ll be lighting fireworks under
the buttocks of my husband and children in an attempt to get a few chores done around the house. Between that and margaritas,
it should be quite the celebration!
out of the office until _____________ celebrating Independence Day. Yeah, right. The day anyone in my house can declare
their independence will be the day they can nuke their own food, find clean clothes and change a roll of toilet
- I’ve always heard that if you love something, set
it free. While I’m out of the office for this Independence Day holiday I’m going to try and set free my
husband and children. Unfortunately, they’ll probably find their way home. I’ll keep trying until ___________
when I’ll give up and come back into the office.
know most of you already think I ride a broom to the office but in honor of Halloween, I’m going to be scaring
the wits out of my children, carving up my husband’s self-esteem and making candy the main course of every meal.
I will be back ____________ or having my stomach pumped.
President’s Day, I will be out buying a mattress, appliance or piece of apparel in the true spirit of this holiday.
Is this why they put Washington and Lincoln on our money? I’ll be back in the office ______________.
the President’s day holiday. George Washington never told a lie and Lincoln freed the slaves. Boy, Management sure
has a long way to go. Speaking of going, I now need to be gone until ____________ or until Management forgets this;
which ever comes first.
- I am out of the
office until _________ in honor of President’s Day. In case you wonder which Presidents we honor, the next time
you cash your paycheck, just look at the faces on the only two bills you’ll get back.
- Nuts roasting over an open fire. Jack Frost nipping at
my children’s noses. Sounds more like a horror flick than Christmas. I’ll be out of the office until
________ putting ointment on those “nuts” and bandaging up my children’s noses.
- Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells Jingle all the way
out until ________, drinking every day, hey!
Jingle bells, jingle
bells, you’d drink all day, too!
If you spent the
holidays with my kids and in-laws, too!
- Jingle bells, jingle bells, I hear bells all day
That is why I have to try and take a holiday, hey!
Jingle bells, jingle bells, I might not come back
But until the New Year’s o’er
From me, you won’t hear jack!
- What child is this who’s laid to rest
From barfing up his dinner?
Must be my child who’s got the flu
isn’t that a winner?
This, this is Christmas cheer
My bonus stank, hand me a beer
Fast, fast go the holidays
be back at work after New Year’s
- I am off on holiday
la la la la la la la la
Management gave coal today
Fa la la la la la la la la
It would give me so much pleasure
Fa la la la la la la la la
leave reindeer poop in measure
Fa la la la la la la la
- I am out of the office until _______ trying to turn that lump of coal Management left
in my Christmas stocking into a diamond. If I’m successful, (and you can trust me on this) I won’t be coming
- As a result of the red nose I acquired from being drunk
at the office Christmas party, Santa has asked me to guide his sleigh. This means I’m out of the office until
_________. Too bad nobody in this company recognizes great leadership when someone’s nose lights up!
- I am out of the office until ____________ cleaning reindeer
doo off my roof. This really isn’t much different from what I do normally at the office except when you spread
reindeer manure you get a beautiful garden. At the office, I just get…well…poop.
- Should old
acquaintance be forgot
will be because I’m drunk
I’m out until __________
Because this last year stunk
- It’s the New Year’s
holiday and I’m out of the office until __________. First, it was a fat man in a red suit and beard running through
the halls. Now they tell me it’s going to be some kid in a diaper. Frankly, I think someone needs to take
a look at the company dress code or sober up from the holiday party.
©2015 Nancy Franklin. All rights reserved
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