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A Speech to a Friend on the Occasion of Her First Baby Shower     517 Words

  

Let me first explain that when you have kids, this is the best look you’re going to have on the weekends. It’s no coincidence that your maternity clothes and sweatpants have a lot in common in the “comfort” area.

 

Did you know that a hummingbird must eat 100 times its weight in food a day? That’s just remarkable. Equally remarkable is the fact that a baby will EXPEL 100 times its weight in a variety of colorful and disgusting ways, most of which really shouldn’t be discussed over lunch.

 

And while you’re pondering this little factoid, take a closer look at the innocent, sleeping face of your baby. She has your eyes; your husband’s nose. Just remember this is the work of a Master with a great sense of humor. It’s called “random genetic sampling” and let me assure you that lurking somewhere deep in the dark recesses of your innocent’s brain is the ability to hold a grudge for days, belch like a frat boy and, if you’ll pardon the expression, expel flatus like your husband.

 

In other words, it’s not all good. And if you have a lick of sense you’ll be looking at the grandparents because some traits skip a generation.

 

Here’s an old joke that can have new meaning for you: How many toddlers does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? At our house, it took two. They did it at 6AM because they had to. The roll that HAD been on there they’d used to jam up the toilet which then started overflowing.

 

Okay, how many middle-schoolers does it take to change a roll of toiler paper? None. Now that jamming up the toilet isn’t an option, they’ve never changed another roll.

 

Be aware that you will never be able to watch another TV show, read a magazine, hear a news report or any other communication that puts children in danger without thinking “insert my child’s face here”. Suddenly you’ll understand why the majestic father lion, every now and then, sends the cubs sprawling with one swipe of his paw.

 

You’ve had your last, full night of sleep and “romantic moments” will be few and far between. Now the wet spot is likely to be the leaky diaper of the toddler who’s crept into bed with you.

 

As your child gets older, an “alien” will invade your body. You may hope it’s not another child. Good news: it’s not another baby. It’s your mother. And every time you open your mouth you’ll hear her and think “Oh, God, what have I become?”

 

Having a child will change your life. Forever. You will never look back and you will never, ever regret having them. Nothing….NOTHING…will ever again be as precious or as important as that sleeping baby you hold in your arms. And you will never, ever want to let them go, although that, too, will be a test of a good mother.

 

So cry, laugh, rejoice and enjoy every minute. Remember that you share a common bond with all women through the ages. And you will never be alone!

2004 Nancy Franklin. All rights reserved